To Thine Own Self Be True vs. To Death Do Us Part:

Tiger Woods, Sandra Bullock, Mark Sanford Sagas Reflect a Timeless Truth

"…This above all:  to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man…."  - William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1

Or to any woman?  The recent outbreak of celebrity (and elected official) infidelity scandals — chexting, multiple mistresses, secret trips far south of the Appalachian Trail — tainting the names of such seeming untouchables as Tiger Woods, Sandra Bullock, and South Carolina's Gov. Mark Sanford, has shadowed the headlines.  Perhaps the very public suffering and humiliation of these icons have also shadowed our own sense of security regarding the integrity of our relationship, marriage…our innermost self.  Are we what we seem?  Or have we been living a lie?

These questions may seem complicated, but the answer is not.  It's actually very simple:  To Thine Own Self Be True. Then, to generously paraphrase Shakespeare, the rest will follow.

For instance, when drafting the wedding vows for his marriage to Jenny, Gov. Mark Sanford specifically requested that the bit about loyalty and fidelity be removed.  As the engaged woman, would you not take note of this?  Mark Sanford was very clear and most truthful, first to himself, then to Jenny, God, the Republican Party, and everyone else witnessing their vows, in insisting that this most integral and intimate part of the traditional marriage vows be excised.

Then years' later, he finally exercises the loophole and takes a lover from Argentina, Maria Bele'n Chapar (some have the last name as Shapar).  She reportedly was merely a "dear friend" for some 11 years, before their friendship deepened into an obviously passionate love affair.  I would venture that Sanford's biggest mistake here was not so much that he did what he did, but that he tried, albeit weakly, to cover up the truth of his love, to keep it a secret.  That is precisely the moment he lied: first to himself, then to his wife, staff, constituents, etc.  But it originated with the lie to himself.  

As one observer put it: "Mark Sanford — Resign Already and Marry the Woman You Love." (citation: Bonnie Fuller, The Huffington Post, June 25, 2009)  As Sanford himself described his dilemma to his beloved Maria:  it was "an impossible situation of love."

Impossible?  Only because he betrayed his own truth, which was, quite simply, that he was in love with Maria, not Jenny.  Like so many other disconnected souls, from public figures to the guy-next-door, Sanford had managed to delude himself into thinking he could keep his (powerful political) position, his respectable marital and Disney-Dad image, and his life's true love/affair going all at once…What could possibly go wrong, right? 

As for Jenny Sanford, well…four boys and your eternal constancy as wife, right-hand partner and political aide, etc., you'd think you had more than earned the right to Mark's fidelity by now, after all these years, no matter that annoying, deliberate, gaping hole in your marriage vows, right?  Well, no.  Apparently not.  Such glaring red flags don't fade to white, it seems.  There's no complete surrender.  Like the old commercial said:  "You can try washing them out, scrubbing them out…but you still got…" Ring around the finger, no more.

Next is the sordid mess involving Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.  This is denial — "Don't Even Know I Am Lying" –two-fold.  First, Sandra:  What about his past behavior and track record made you believe that Jesse James was either: (a) suitable to be your faithful husband, or (b) even capable of being such?  He left a pregnant porn star to marry you…did that not enter your mind, somewhere in the "doubts" category, as to whether you were choosing the right partner?  Is there something within you that could stand the light of day?  As in:  are you fatally attracted to the bad boy?  Are you subject to the most common and tragic delusion that your love is so alchemically powerful that it can transform dross to gold, bad to good, promiscuous to monogamous?  

Sandra and Jenny, say hello!  And maybe join a support group for those suffering from such codependencies.  This is not meant to be callous or flippant; recognizing your own role in a failed relationship can bring you that much closer to your own truth.  You may well not even know what "thine own self" even is, yet, let alone how to go about being true to it.  There is no shame in not knowing what you simply do not know.  However, if you honestly do desire a solid and loyal partner in your life, it is your responsibility to eventually define and own your truth, and to be accountable for your life and your happiness…including your choice of a partner.

And Jesse:  What lies were you telling, first to yourself?  Did you tell yourself that now you'd won the princess bride, you swear you were — from this day forward — going to be a good boy? That you had no longer had the desire, taste, or outright lust for the "bad girl," or the "naughty" side of sex?  How long were you able to live that lie — 3 years, or so?  Lies, or more aptly, Untruths to Oneself, rarely last for long, because of their very nature:  they are UnTruths, and as human beings, our souls always strive to express their Truth.  Damned inconvenient, to be sure, but inevitable, all the same.  And ultimately, heart-breaking, for both you and your partner/spouse.

By the way, Jesse — please do drop the "Sex Addiction" plea. No one is buying it, especially your wife!  Besides, it is a cheap imitation of Tiger Woods, who actually seems serious about addressing his sexual escapades as a genuine addiction.  Anyone who is committed to addressing their addiction would not bolt from their treatment center, no matter what!  Of course Sandra refused your call!  You have yet to realize the actual damage your denial of your true self has done to those who bought into your fiction. Yes, sexual addiction is a very real addiction, as real as alcoholism and substance abuse.  It is absolutely compulsive, and makes liars of all addicts, by its very definition.  Let us not confuse a medically recognized disease — addiction —  with a desperate excuse for one's true nature, and a latent attempt to "make good" the bad boy you are!

So now, we come to Tiger Woods.  Having just watched his Nike-sponsored commercial, with the voice-over of his revered late father, Earl Jones, gently asking the silent, shame-faced Woods:  "Did you learn anything?" I was immediately challenged to wonder:  Is this Tiger, admonished, repentant, accepting responsibility for what he's done?  Or, alternately:  Is this Tiger, being unbelievably manipulative and unscrupulous, cultivating cash and hopefully some sense of credibility from the one powerful sponsor who still stands behind him, despite his bad behavior?  And what's this business about wanting to renew his wedding vows with Elin Nordegren, who remains unconvinced, reticent, and absent from his Master's appearance?

For that story to play out, we'll just have to wait and see what unfolds.  Tiger has spoken to losing touch with his core values, his Buddhism, his innate humility and humanity, and in so doing, may be in the process of recovering his inner truth, and going forth in his life, not just professionally, but more importantly, personally, emotionally, and spiritually:  Beginning, perhaps for the first time, to be true to himself.  Of all the latest celebrity/political infidels in a seemingly endless litany, I do hold out the most hope for Tiger Woods, as he has identified reaching his "bottom," in terms of addiction, and has seemingly accepted responsibility for the damage he has done to all lives touched by his, reaching beyond and perhaps overcoming his own narcissism.

I would invite you, too, to discover your own soul's truth and thereby, your life's love and personal fulfillment.  Be true to yourself, and the rest will follow.  Join me and begin your journey of self-discovery, one of being true to you!

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