Prenuptials: What&#039;s wrong with them?

Brett writes:

I’ve dated Cheryl (not her real name) for a year and a half and we’re recently engaged. After the engagement, I told her I wanted her to sign a prenuptial. And, that’s when the trouble started. She says I don’t love her. That’s definitely not true. Love has nothing to do with signing a prenup. I worked hard for what I’ve earned as has she. It’s ridiculous that my assets, 401(k) and savings should be put at risk of loss should she decide to divorce me. Likewise, I want nothing of hers. I think what we earn and do after we’re married is what should be “on the table” or at risk should anything happen in the future.

If she won’t sign, I’m not getting married. With a divorce rate of over 50% and earning a living harder than ever, I think it’s would be stupid for someone to hand over their lifetime economic accomplishments to another person should there be a breakup. Given that we both make about the same amount of money, I’m not sure what the problem is.

What should I do? Any advice? I’m not changing my mind and I don’t know what else to tell her. Do you? Are there other options? Should I need to walk away and start again, when should I bring up the idea of a prenup? It would seem awkward to bring it up in the early weeks of dating. What do you think?

Dr. Dar Says:

It is high time that men and women accept that pre-nups are here to stay and are a great way to protect ourselves rather than taking them as an insult. Assets brought in are enjoyed by both parties while together; if separation occurs (which is never the intention) then both parties leave with what’s left of what they brought in originally and split what was acquired during the marriage. A very close friend of mine lives in S.C. where all marital assets are split 50/50; she married and divorced within 2 years; he walked away with her pension, 401k, and other assets (50% of 30 years of hard work to acquire). Bottom line: if she cannot see the fairness of you wanting to share your assets with her while you are married and she does the same, and should either of you choose splitsville, then you both walk away with what you each brought in AND split what was acquired during the marriage…then this to me is a red flag and possibly foreshadowing of larger problems to come…You have a clear requirement for a pre-nup. Maybe you should tell her she needs to seriously reconsider this logically rather than emotionally as it has nothing to do with love and everything to do with asset protection and this is a requirement/deal-breaker for you. Incidentally, it sounds like she is already ready to divorce you in a way. In response to your question about the timing of bringing up the topic of a pre-nup: you can certainly talk about pre-nups early in the relationship to get reactions or thoughts about it; however, it is my experience that reactions about whether to pre-nup or not change as people get more committed thus not making much difference as to the timing of the conversation. Do what is right for you and ultimately your relationship! Don’t allow her to make you the bad guy for protecting your assets.

Prenups the way to a more certain future? (telegraph.co.uk) The last paragraph states:

“A well-drafted prenup will often detail the reasons for the agreement and the context or concerns of those entering them. This can provide crucial background and influential context for a judge who may have to consider the document years later. If couples feel strongly about the agreement and have clear reasons for wishing to make one, they have an opportunity to say so at the outset of the marriage and at least create the opportunity to limit claims later. Such a prenup will not – at least for now – provide a cast-iron shield from claims but without one the landscape is more uncertain and the risks higher.”