My husband has become Al Bundy, what should I do?

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Dr. Dar, "I had goals before I got married. My husband, I thought, shared those goals with me, in fact he had lofty goals himself. Now, 3 years into our marriage, all he does is lay on the couch and eat — he has turned into Al Bundy. I would rather be married to George Lopez, at least he is funny. What should I do?"

First, I will start with what you should do right now. Talk to your husband about those goals and whether or not he intends to get off the couch and collaborate with you to accomplish them. If he says no, then you know where you stand. If he says I don't know, give him a deadline to figure it out and follow up with you. I don't suggest you tell him what the deadline is, instead, ask if he can figure it out in X weeks and if it is okay for you to follow up with him. Once the deadline is here, do follow up with him. If he still says I don't know, you know where you stand.

It sounds like he is stuck in a pattern of stagnancy. Maybe he lost his job, or he just has not been motivated because he has not had to be motivated, maybe things get handled for him in that someone is always there or shows up to bail him out. That does not help you though does it?

Here is what I suggest, if he stays stagnant, then you have a couple of choices to make:

Stay with him but accomplish your goals independently – if you still love each other. Divide the expenses so that you both are carrying the weight of them instead of just you otherwise you will resent him even more than you do now. If you want a partner to collaborate with in accomplishing goals, get a business partner.
Give him an ultimatum. I know, I just stated on Fox News Rising last Friday that giving men an ultimatum is a bad idea and that men just don't respond well to them. In this case, I am making an exception. If you have tried everything and you want a partner to achieve goals together, and your husband is not panning out to be who you need right now, then I suggest you let him know that you wanted to share goals with him, thought you were both aligned, and now he is saying he is not. If he does not step up, then you need to choose whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. Let him know that you need him to be the person you married and not Al Bundy. Ask him if he can be that person and let go of the Al Bundy syndrome. If he says no, then you know what you need to do. At that point, let him know that you are considering separation so that you can soar, that you would prefer to soar together but clearly he no longer wants that. If he says he will get into action, watch and wait while being supportive of him. Don't say if you don't stop laying on the couch and get on with your life then I am leaving you. Instead state, what you would like to see instead and ask if he is up to it. If he no longer wants what you want, you have to choose whether or not you can stay with him. If staying with him holds you back, and you feel suffocated, it is time for you to move on. I do suggest that you bring in a third party (counselor, coach, or mediator) to talk to him before you give up completely. Why? Because you will know you tried everything before just giving up.

I always say the signs are there all along. To help you make the right decision, I suggest you jot down the pros and cons of this marriage for you. Have your husband do the same. Share your lists with each other and see if the conversation leads to bringing you closer together or confirms you should go your separate ways. This exercise when done together will help you both see what is so, determine what is next, and identify what each of you is willing to be, do, and have going forward.

Bottom Line: Honor your Self first, then your marriage, then him and your answers will come. Sending you hugs, love, and blessings to reach the right choice for you and your husband. (understanding that staying together may or may not be the right choice).

Should you choose to separate, make sure you get with Dr. Dar before you start dating again to identify with abundant clarity what your requirements, needs, and wants are in a methodical way – you may think you know what they are – but through her Singles program, you will learn a great deal about deal breakers versus needs and want and attract exactly what is right for you now and into the future.