“Nobody goes to relationship school when they’re a kid.”
At least, that’s what I’ve found when it comes to my most intimate relationships.
You can’t “learn” how to have great relationships in your head (or even your heart)— you’ve got to learn in real life!
But even if we don’t get lessons in how to have great, healthy relationships at a school, most of us deeply absorb our beliefs, patterns, and messages about what we want in relationship (and what we don’t) from watching our parents.
Take my story, for example. My parents are Indian, and I was born in Zambia. In the culture my parents grew up in, you honor your parents by obeying them. It’s normal for your parents to pick your spouse.
Granted, my mom had grown up and went to school in the UK, so she was a bit more progressive. But my dad, not so much.
That’s part of my inheritance. Even at a young age, I felt the tension between what my parents expected, and what I wanted for myself. Now, I am very grateful to my parents for doing a great job of raising and educating me. But I also knew that they weren’t going to be the ones who made the decisions in my life. It was going to be me.
I was successful in everything… except great relationships.
Fast forward a decade or so. My career in IT was on the rise. I had fulfilled a lot of my formal education ambitions. I had great girlfriends, was financially independent, and on the whole, my life was shaping up pretty darn well.
Except for my relationships.
I remember sitting at my kitchen table when I was in my early thirties. I was so upset and frustrated – my life was going so well EXCEPT when it came to my relationships. I did not understand why I kept on having relationship problems. I also wondered why I had communication problems. I balled. I felt like such an utter failure.
At one point, I actually counted. I’d had 31 relationships. None of them had worked out.
I knew I wanted a lifelong partnership, but when it came to actually finding it, I kept messing up.
What was wrong with me?
Thankfully, after awhile, a peace came over me. After I felt those feelings of sadness, shame, and loneliness, I started looking deeper.
“I am a successful woman who knows how to synthesize lots of information and so it’s simple to solve the problem” I told myself. “I do this in my work every day.”
So I fired up my analytic mind, and took a look at what was really happening in these relationships.
Singles: It’s time to “fix your picker”
And what I found was eye-opening. I’d been telling myself a story that “what was wrong” was the guys I’d been choosing to date. But the truth was, the issue was with me… and specifically, with my “picker.”
I love the concept of the “picker” – and so do many of my single clients, because it’s often a huge epiphany. When we’re single, many of us default to dating who is interested in us. We give up our power of selection, simply by saying yes to someone who “picks” us without pausing to think if we want to choose them.
Before I “fixed my picker”, my default was men who were the opposite of my dad. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. But clearly, that wasn’t working for me—because what I really desired from my partner was way more than a single factor.
You know how when you are shopping for a major purchase like a car or a big kitchen appliance, you make a list of all the things you’re looking for?
That’s what I did with relationships. I literally took an inventory of all the guys I know, and made a list of the traits and attributes that mattered to me.
Within 6 weeks, I’d met Chuck, my amazing husband. I fixed my picker and learned all about relationship coaching and support.
I literally rewrote my story around love and relationships. And created a new story for my future life to be different from my past. (This actually became my book, STOP BEING SINGLE NOW).
How I started working with couples
Chuck and I married in 2000. By that time I was already a coach, and I’d received an invitation to speak at a workshop. A man approached me after my talk and said “my wife is about to leave me, and I know you are the one to help us. Would you give us your relationship expert advice?”
I don’t remember exactly what I’d said—it was something about my deep belief that many relationship problems are solvable when you listen with open ears.
I ended up facilitating communication between this man and his wife, and things changed for them in their relationship. They are still together today.
“Happily Ever After” means different things
I don’t mean to say that staying together is the only happy ending. Since 2000, when I began focusing exclusively on relationship and communication skills, I have helped individuals and couples decide to separate, too. If that’s the best decision, I have seen that be a “happy ending” (and beginning), too. No regret. No second-guessing yourself. No doubts.
I work with couples to help them see that their problems aren’t as complicated as they are making them. Ninety-nine percent of relationship issues don’t have to do with money or intimacy or sex or “different priorities”… they have to do with communication!
As a Master Licensed Relationship Coach for Couples, I am here to help you create the relationship of your dreams or help you get off the fence with regards to staying or going.
Will it look like the movies or fairy tales? Probably not.
But I promise you, this work will help you create something great in your life. And it would be my true honor to guide you along your path to living your “real life” love story.
I invite you to call me if you want to make your relationship better, don’t wait. Click on the bottom right of this screen and schedule an appointment for a no obligation consultation. You will feel better right away!
To ultimately reduce the divorce rate by having singles make the best choice in love up front and couples work out their differences to stay or go harmoniously. To connect people to each other with deeper listening, connecting communication, and embracing differences.
What would the world be like if every being was sprinkled with love dust every second of every day? I believe that divine love when given and received by humanity, has tremendous power to uplift humanity and our planet.
My Coaching Philosophy
I am not here to fix anything as there truly is nothing wrong with you. There is only what’s working and what’s not working for you, your relationships, dating, and your life. I have found in my 15+ years of Relationship Coaching that we’ve been set up to fail in communication, listening, and relationships, because none of us really and truly went to school for that skill. We all are simply doing and being the best that we can in a world that demands more every day.
I am here to better understand who you are, champion your wants and desires for your life, listen in a deep way, create simplicity and solutions that puts more of what works in your life and relationships and less of what does not work…and for us to have fun, grow, learn, and expand together. Let’s talk, listen, and play to create your success formula in life and love…
My approach is results-based. I am not here to talk in circles or let you waste your time (or mine!). I help my clients get to the root of what’s really going on, and find ways to shift that in simple yet profound ways. The end result is more connection, more intimacy, more trust, and this deep sense of relief. You will understand yourself in a deeper way so that when you connect with others, your communication and listening connects you based on who you are while reducing rejection.