Nagging…or a NAGIVATOR as a dear friend Janice Bernstein has coined, has got to be the most ineffective and energy draining method to get what we want.

So, why do we NAG?

I have observed hundreds of women as well as men use nagging in their relationships. In every instance the nagging does not produce the results the nagger is really wanting.

Nagging is simply a way to get attention. Remember, Nagging is a way to get attention.

It is not about taking the trash out when asked, or geting things done on the other person’s timeline…it is never about what the nagging is about.

When people get frustrated, they do not know how to express it in a healthy, results producing way. So, instead we nag, nag, nag, nag…till we blow. When we blow, we have a full meltdown that starts with anger which is really the release of frustrated energy.

The nagging then shuts the other person down such that the Nagger is then ignored, which then produces even more nagging, which then results in the person being nagged getting resentful to the point of never doing what the nagger is saying they want. Get the picture, this is a never ending cycle.

So, next time you experience a NAGGER, here are some things you can do to deflect and eliminate the nagging:

  1. Turn the television or whatever has your attention OFF and look directly at the Nagger. Say “I am sorry that you are frustrated with me. What can I do right now to remedy this?” Then do it. After you have done what they asked for, say “How do you feel now? and “What can I do going forward to prevent this from happening again?” Then , follow through.

    Okay, so we know that you did nothing wrong…so get over being right and just do this – it will improve your relationship 10-fold, trust me, I know. This will deflect the pent up frustration completely. This is what I call ‘Taking the Higher Road’ to produce a different result.

  2. If the nagger is your significant other…Grab them and give them a huge, gentle, loving hug and acknowledge how you care about them and how important they are to you. This is a great deflector. This also works with family and friends. As soon as the nagger is calm…say “So what is it that needs to get done that you want so deeply to get done?”, let them tell you…then you say “Great, let’s do that together so we are spending time together – when would you like to do that?” If the task is taking the trash out, no matter how ridiculous this is, find a way to take the trash out together. Maybe you have them walk with you while you wheel the trash can to the curb…find a way.
  3. For the intensely agitated nagger…Say in a calm distinct voice “I am clear something is bothering you – what is it you really want right now?” Let them tell you, and then negotiate when you can follow through and do what they want. Usually this will totally catch the Nagger off guard and a great collaborative conversation occurs.
  4. When you absolutely cannot address the Nagger’s needs in the moment of the nagging. Stop what you are doing for 5 seconds and say “I need to finish what I am doing right now. Can I talk to you about this in X minutes? I promise we will resolve whatever needs to get done then.” Then follow through. Finish what you were doing in the time you said it would take you…then follow up with them in the # of minutes you said you would. Trust me, the Nagger is watching the seconds on the clock to make sure you come to see them at the precise time you told them you would…so DO IT! If not, there is an explosion pending and diffusing that is a topic for another blog.

Pay attention to the NAGGER. They are only calling out for attention. So, your assignment is to notice when you ignore or avoid them because you are doing it more often than when they are nagging you. Then pay attention to them rather than ignoring them when you notice yourself going into ignore mode.

This prevents the NAGIVATOR from showing up in your life. Most of the time, doing what the Nagger asked takes less time and energy than ignoring, forgetting, waiting, etc. until they get to the Nagging stage.

Watch the YouTube video on the nagging girlfriend or wife for an exaggeration of Nagging. http://youtube.com/watch?v=NnWGNb2kzZQ

Contact Darshana Hawks at A Coaching Company to create Relationships that Work in your life!

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Dr. Darshana Hawks
People, Business, & Relationship-MD

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