What is communication?

Communication is more about self-awareness than anything else. What do I mean by self-awareness? To be an effective communicator, you must be aware of your own agenda in the conversation and ensure you are putting your partner first before addressing your own agenda. 

You must be responsible for how you interpret communication as well as being accountable for clarifying your interpretation with your partner to ensure your message is delivered as intended. This does not mean that you both must agree with each other; instead, know that agreement is not necessary. Having your partner understand you is more important than having them agree with you completely.

It is critical to openly state your agenda when speaking. I call this ‘Framing the Conversation’©. When you frame the conversation, you are letting your partner know up front what you want to discuss with them. This sets the stage for them to fully focus on what you are saying. Diving into a conversation, without framing it first, makes it difficult for your partner to pay attention to what you are saying because their focus in on their prior activity or thought as well as trying to catch up to what you are saying. 

Communication is about being responsive — not reactive. You have to be aware of your emotional triggers without attacking your partner because you perceive they pushed your button. They did not push your button, you did; it is your issue, not theirs. The important thing is to love yourself enough to listen without taking what is being said personally. Simply listen with openness and curiosity about what your partner is attempting to convey to you. 

How does communication relate to relationship success?

The lack of communication is perhaps the number one cause of issues in relationships. Being able to communicate fully and authentically, with clear agendas, self awareness, accountability for both the delivery and how your message is being interpreted, full disclosure of your feelings and emotions, while addressing your need for acknowledgment , contributes to success in all of your relationships. 

I disagree with the statistics stating divorce is caused by infidelity, financial issues, or anything else. It is the inability to communicate authentically, along with the need to be right, that produces these symptoms which then result in divorce. Communication is absolutely necessary to have successful and fulfilling relationships. For example, you cannot plan finances or vacations, address sex/intimacy, discuss what is missing in your relationship, or talk about raising children without communication.  By not listening (listening by interpreting what your partner said/did not say from your own perspective, instead of truly hearing the words they said) your partner ends up feeling disrespected, ignored, invalidated, unloved and therefore unsuccessful in the relationship. Listening without judgment or interpretation, asking clarifying questions with curiosity and seeking to understand results in powerful communication. I find that compliments, validation, and acknowledgement are completely missed due to not listening. If you listen for them, you may just hear them!

What are the 3 biggest challenges couples experience as it relates to communication?

Communication challenges are driven by one core root cause — not learning communication skills for the most important relationship of your life. Here are three examples of communication challenges one might experience:
  • Not understanding your own emotional triggers. This can derail communication with your loved ones. Example: You hear “You are irritating” when what was really said is “Nagging me about taking out the trash is irritating.”
  • Not acknowledging your own need for acknowledgment or agreement. For instance, notice how much energy you spend convincing your partner to completely agree with you by arguing your point. There are 3 options: your viewpoint, your partner’s viewpoint, and the best of both viewpoints – the latter usually being best option.  

  • Not giving your partner the space to be who they are or accepting who they are by seeing their greatness. Giving your partner the space to do things on their timeline, or obtaining agreement on the timeline collaboratively is important so that your partner will continue to want to do things for you. Example: “You must make the bed now” instead of “Can you please make the bed before noon today so that we can show the house, do you accept that request?”

Why do we need to develop more effective listening skills and how do we do that?

Listening skills are more important than speaking skills; listening is crucial for successful communication and yet it is the least taught skill. If you feel the urge to share your thoughts or views when your partner is talking, I suggest you start by biting your tongue, not hard, just put your tongue lightly between your teeth and listen in silence of mind and mouth. You will listen much more effectively, your need to speak will diminish, and your mind will be quieter while it takes in what is being heard.

Is there a process that can help couples learn how to model effective communication? 

I recommend spending more time and energy on listening openly, being silent more and responding only to questions or when others ask for input, rather than inserting your opinion when your partner is talking. I especially love the ‘Communication Map’ by David Steele because it is easy to learn and apply. 
 
Here are two examples of communication models when you feel stuck or are in an emotional whirlwind:
  • ‘When you do or say X, I feel Y. I would prefer you do/say Z.’
    •  Example: “When you say you are exhausted, I feel that I made you tired; I would prefer you say I had a hard day at work and I am tired.”
  •  ‘I love when you do X, and would love it even more if you’d do Y.’
o   Example: “I love that you load the dishwasher, thank you so much. The dishes will get cleaner by stacking the bowls with more space between them.”
 
Communication models take practice. They are most effective when used with a relationship coach, since you have a third party trained to listen with no stake in the relationship who can suggest areas of improvement.
 
To learn more about how to improve your communication skills, get Dr. Dar's Communication 101 Soft Skills for Success book now.
 
Dr. Dar | Relationship Success Expert | 704.846.0932
 
 
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