No doubt, this is a difficult subject to broach in any family. I feel that the only reason is because of social programming. There is no such thing as a normal family. There is no such thing as a normal life. There is no such thing as a normal relationship. Every person is different, every family is unique, and every relationship is not the same.  Sadly, the United States is far behind other Western countries when it comes to same sex relationships, rights, and marriages.

Here are the top ten things to consider before coming out to your family:

  1. Honor what is right for you and your life.  You come first; your family can join you if they choose.  It is their choice just as honoring yourself, your needs, and what you want is your choice.
  2. Respect your family for their beliefs and lives.  It does not mean that they have to agree with yours and you have to agree with theirs. Sometimes your family’s life and your life may not intersect belief wise – especially in the case where religious influence is concerned.   That does not mean there is something wrong with you.  It just means that you have your  beliefs and they have theirs.
  3. There are many who have pioneered what you are going through.  You are not alone.  Seek out advice and ask others how they managed this topic in their lives.  Ask questions of older couples as well as younger couples, those who have great relationships with family and those who do not.  You will then have enough information to determine what you want and what you want your approach to be based on real data and application from those who have gone through this already and can offer you solace, advice, information, compassion, and above all support and understanding.
  4. Be prepared to meet your family in the middle rather than you having your way and them having their way.  For example:  if your family wants to maintain their social status and image and not acknowledge your choice in certain social circles; however, they embrace you, love you, and support you in the family and other circles – you need to make a choice as to whether that is meeting in the middle; whether having your family acknowledge you in all areas of their lives versus not having them in your life is a weighted choice you have to consider and make.  Be patient with your family.  It takes them time to get comfortable and it is not an overnight thing.
  5. Consider whether you plan to have children in the future.  If yes,  you don’t have to inform your family of this at the same time as coming out to them, especially if you are not yet in a committed relationship yet.  However, you do need to consider the impact a child and grandchild will have – more often than not, a grandchild brings families together; albeit not always.  Be patient.  I see individuals and couples bring children up when coming out and it is in haste or from a need to prove that the family is wrong in some way only to regret it later.
  6. Being argumentative or defensive will not result in getting what you want.  So don’t do it.  Simply state the facts and ask for support.  Then work together to negotiate what support looks like; spend time identifying your requirements, needs and wants and do the same for your family members – identify what their requirements, needs, and wants are.
  7. Always honor your Spirit and Self.  The rest will work itself out even if it does not feel like it at this moment.  Trust yourself and Trust that when you do what is right for yourself, everything else will feel better for you and those around you.

Wishing you joy, peace, and love in your journey,

Dr. Dar

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