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Ask Dr. Dar: How can I avoid an abusive relationship?
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I’m 43 and ended a 3-year abusive relationship about a year and a half ago.
I’m ready to date again as I really want a committed relationship—maybe
marriage. I want to prepare myself better for the next relationship. The
last guy seemed great—at first.

After about a year, when we had really settled in and the “newness” had worn
off, he started being emotionally abusive towards me—and twice he grabbed me
very harshly when we had had some terrible fights. I forgave him and he
always apologized for his bad behavior. I kept thinking each time it
happened that it was a one-time thing, but the emotional abuse continued
until I had the courage to stand up and just walk away from the
relationship.

How can you spot a potential abuser in the early weeks and months of
dating—before things get too serious? Are there any telling signs or red
flags? How can I better protect myself from making poor dating choices?
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Dr. Dar says:

Congratulations on taking care of yourself and getting out before things got
worse. Standing up for yourself should occur throughout the relationship
and not just when things are bad. The best thing you can do is learn more
about yourself and what it is about you that is attracting these types of
men. When I was single, I attracted the wrong men for years so I understand
how you feel. Then, I learned the secret that was causing me to attract the
wrong men. It was me and not the men. The Secret is: “The energy you put
out is the energy you attract!” Once I understood that, I shifted from
making the wrong relationship choices to making the right choices by making
a list of what I must have in a relationship, how I must be treated at all
times, and even included things like what the man’s finances looked like and
how they treated money, and most importantly how they treated and behaved
with their friends and family. Once I made this very detailed list, I
marked which items had to be present without exception, I call this my ‘must
have’ list. The next step was to say NO to the men who did not match my must
have list in its entirety. Oh, the other benefit of having this list
written down was that I could easily identify the red flags and when to
stand up for myself early in the relationship. Have peace and fun in making your list
and ensuring you are selecting people who satisfy the items on your list. Remember,
Relationships are SIMPLE, when you LEARN how!
Dr. Dar | www.RelationshipSuccessSource.com

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