8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

WebMD Feature from “Redbook” Magazine – By Ylonda Gault Caviness

Here are the 8 things listed in a Redbook Magazine article, 8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage
1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

Fact: I agree with the author here. There are moments when you wonder, is this it? However, those moments are very fleeting and usually occur due to us getting ticked off at something in the moment. As the author states: “You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.”

2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.

Myth: Until we stop saying and believing that Marriage is or takes work, it is going to be perceived that way. Guess what? Life is work and takes work; Marriage does not. We make it work. What if we related to marriage as a wonderful partnership? What if we were told that marriage is a wonderful partnership? Marriage only becomes work when we DO NOT accept, acknowledge, and appreciate our partners fully for who they are, rather than finding fault and wanting to change them. When acceptance is fully present, it is not work, only mutual love and acceptance of each other, allowing each other to be and grow.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Fact: The author is spot on. Do ” Sleep on it.” Giving your partner and yourself space, especially at the blood boiling mad point, is critical to a peaceful home and marriage. Continuing to prod on at or with your partner when disagreement is present only leads to more disagreement and discontent which leads to more of the same. Calming down and getting perspective is a key. Things are much different in the morning and what I was mad about becomes much smaller and 9 times out of ten what I thought was the issue rarely ever is – as the author says “I’ve found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling unappreciated. It could be you’re both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone.”

4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that’s okay.

Fact: The healthiest thing I have read in an article about marriage is the author stating “Ladies, you don’t have to sneak a peek. I don’t mind if you stare.” This is the #1 sign of a healthy relationship and marriage. The author is clearly secure in her marriage. Furthermore, it is true that “sexless periods are a natural part of married life.” This does not mean that the marriage is on the blitz, so get over yourself. It is on the blitz only if you make it so. Life is the reason sexless periods occur in a marriage – meaning, we have children, we get a new job, lose a loved one, etc. Ask yourself if affection is still present in the marriage, and if so, lack of sex is not an issue.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

Fact: Meeting in the middle is the underpinning of the work I do with couples. I get them to meet in the middle on complex issues that on the surface look impossible to find middle ground. The author states: What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more “right” I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple.” True enough, fighting to be right is a marriage killer. I have worked with couples where both spouses had an intense need to be right, arguing was a way of life and peace is not possible when both parties have to prove they are right, all the time. Instead, re-focus on what is important versus being right, you just may learn something important and be happier in the process; acceptance of who you are by your partner and you accepting them is possible only when we give up being right.

6. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Myth: Fighting is usually exacerbated from a need to be right or to have it our way. The word fight means: (1) to contend in battle or physical combat ; to contend against in or as if in battle or physical combat (2): to box against in the ring (3): to attempt to prevent the success or effectiveness of (4): to oppose the passage or development of (4) to struggle to endure or surmount (5) to resolve by struggle.
So, you tell me, do you want to fight or do you want to communicate? We have different methods of communication, sometimes our voices inflect and get raised but this hardly means we are fighting with our spouses. You choose, fighting or communicating. As long as we have a relationship to the word fight, then fighting exists in our vernacular and thus in our marriages. How many of you have had a conversation with your spouse about what each should do when either of you gets triggered or heated? What if you did? Things would be very different.

7. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself.

Fact: When we shift, the things around us shift. As long as I saw and called my father mean, guess what, he always was going to show up as mean because that is what I was focused on or looking for. Where do you think that saying “Be careful what you look for, you just may find it” means? It applies here too. Start looking for evidence of what you want, and you just may find it. This in itself is a change you are making in yourself. So before you point blame at what is missing in your relationship, find evidence of what is present first.

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of.

Fact: when you truly look at yourself, you’ll see that we test our relationships, consciously or unconsciously. I have no clue why we do this as women, other than insecurity and past based experiences/relationships gone awry. Guess what, we both will occasionally make mistakes, both parties are human in a relationship. The next time you point a finger at your spouse for doing or being wrong – take a look at yourself first! Pointing the finger alienates you from those who love you and cause friction.
Working on yourself with someone who is close to you (such as a friend or family member) can be supporting, however, be aware it is sometimes not promotive of you. These folks are too close to the situation to truly be fully objective. A coach, counselor, or mentor will be unbiased in guiding you with your introspection and self-development. The author states: “I still struggle as a work in progress” – my experience shows that working on ourselves in a vacuum takes longer, is more painful, and involves several unnecessary detours. Hire someone to work with you, don’t be fearful of this…a third party professional will be more promotive of you than you can imagine and you’ll grow exponentially starting with your first meeting.

What do you think?