Life happens in patterns.  Our behavior occurs in patterns.  There are patterns in our relationships as well.  These patterns can be called stages which describe the patterns of how we grow and develop. I love Levinger's stage theory about relationships.  He describes the cycle in such a way that we can then make different choices as we recognize what stage we are in and as our relationship matures.  We also make it through these stages in our relationship to ourselves.  Sadly, singles make it through all 5 stages repeatedly and couples do not recognize the flags early enough to save their relationship or take personal accountability to end it soon enough.

Levinger's Relationship Stage Theory

  1. Acquaintance/Attraction:  occurs when we meet people and feel an initial draw or attraction to them.  The attraction is based on physical characteristics and similarity.  Singles are addicted to this stage, the endorphins kick in and the excitement of attraction takes over.
  2. Build-up:  occurs when we become interdependent on each other as we share more of ourselves, more of our private selves.  At this stage we notice getting irritated, agitated, or notice differences which are overlooked because of the pleasant aspects of the relationship outweigh the differences.  This is the stage where your differences should be managed by discussing them and finding common ground if the relationship is to last.  Singles notice differences very quickly, before even going out on a date or allowing the space to get to know the other person.  It is the knowing at a soul level that connects you to life long relationships; instead we move on to the next victim instead of learning how to be friends first.  Becoming friends first is the key to the next step, exploring whether or not the relationship can go to the next level.  If you can be close friends,  then the foundation for a healthy relationship is set and the potential to move to stage 3 exists.
  3. Continuation/consolidation: occurs when long term commitments are made, such as cohabitation or marriage  This is the most important stage because a couple can lay the foundation to create a life long stable relationship or cycle through to stage 4.  Unfortunately, people do not realize they have a choice to stay in this stage by addressing their own issues, addressing each others issues and finding common ground.  Choosing to love instead of leave. 
  4. Deterioration: occurs when differences are noticed, when the focus is on what is not working, what the other person does not have, what sucks in the relationship, causing a slow decay.  Instead, you could choose to focus on how can we make these differences work for us and the relationship, what works, what is good, what we have, and whether or not this is enough to create staying power.  Staying in this stage for any period of time is emotionally exhausting and can cause irreparable damage and heartache.
  5. Ending: occurs when the relationship ends by choice or by the natural deterioration process whereby the relationship becomes increasingly toxic over time resulting in the primal survival response to remove yourself from the situation.  Choice is a much more powerful response because it involves personal accountability and has less impact from emotional distress; you can move on much quicker.  Natural deterioration results in significant emotional damage that gets carried into your future relationships.

I want you to match this list with your relationship experiences; I think you will find that these stages fit your relationship history and patterns.  Success begins with awareness and I am grateful to Levinger for documenting these stages in a simple way. 

Why Should I Care?

You should understand these stages so that you can recognize which stage you are in.  Recognizing the stage of your relationship allows you to make informed choices about sustaining the relationship or to end it without having to go through the extended deterioration process.

I want to know if a tracking sheet would be valuable for you to recognize these patterns and the associated red flags to look for?  Post your comment with "I want the worksheet because ____________ ".  Thanks for your participation and continued support!

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