Pining for the good old days with your ex can be a nice break from your daily busy schedule but when is it a good idea to wait and hope to make it work?
There are 3 Foundational Requirements for Healthy Relationships:
- Open communication and
- Balancing individuality with being a couple.
I) Without trust, a relationship cannot survive. Trust is about:
- Allowing yourself to be completely genuine in the relationship
- Being able to say anything and feel heard and understood
- Knowing your partner always respects you
- Knowing your partner is always faithful
- Feeling solid, grounded, and stable in the relationship
- Feeling 100% safe in the relationship (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually)
II) Learning how to listen, be open and honest, make and keep agreements is a key to fulfilling relationships. Allowing people to share their perspectives without attacking or disagreeing with them and being able to do the same is an advanced communication skill. Open communication is about:
- Knowing you can share from your heart without fear
- Listening openly and without judgment
- Following through on agreements (Being in integrity with your word)
- Being supported for having your own opinions and beliefs (even with topics like religion, spirituality, and politics)
- Being able to find common ground in the midst of disagreement
III) There are 3 spokes in a relationship: You, Your Partner, and the Relationship. All need love, attention, and support. Balance looks like:
- Having my own friends
- Having mutual friends to do things with together as a couple
- Participating in my own interests and hobbies
- Being my own person in the relationship
- Making decisions collaboratively when the decision impacts my partner or the relationship (e.g. finances, appointments/activities, career changes, family obligations, etc.)
- Being supportive of individual decisions when there are no or minimal impacts to the relationship and my partner (e.g. learning a new skill, taking a cooking class, making new friends, buying new shoes, etc.)
Good things come in threes…here are three simple steps to determine whether or not you should hold out:
Step 1: Define what long-term means for you. Do you want to get back with your ex for another year? Or do you want to have a life-long relationship, perhaps resulting in marriage? Do you want to have children with your ex?
Most people want a long-term relationship and define long-term as life-long. It is important to be clear about this question first before we discuss deal breakers.
Action Step: I want you to take a deep breath, exhale…answer this question honestly: How long specifically do I want to be in a relationship with my ex?
Step 2: Identify whether or not the 3 core foundational requirements are Deal Breakers or Not. A deal breaker means you must walk away from the relationship if your requirement is not 100% present.
Action Step: I want you to take a deep breath, exhale…answer this question honestly: Can I live without any one of these things for the rest of my life in this relationship: trust, open communication, or being who I am in a relationship with my ex?
Step 3: Take a review and snapshot of the entire time you were in the relationship with your ex. Were you mostly happy, fulfilled and harmonious? Or
Were you stressed, worried, anxious, frustrated, or worse most of the time?
Action Step: I want you to take a deep breath, exhale… and answer this question honestly: Have I been happy, fulfilled, and harmonious in this relationship for 95% of the entire time? Or Have I been stressed, worried, anxious, frustrated or worse 95% of the time?
Feeling good and positive overall will help you make the best choice for yourself and your future. These steps will help you figure out whether you feel good overall or not before you make a decision that will impact you for the rest of your life. Choose well!